From there things moved quickly. I didn’t even realize what was happening when they told your mommy to start pushing. At this point she was lying on the bed. As soon as the midwife was happy with your progress, she moved to the birthing stool. This is where things got really exciting. I was sitting behind mommy on a big blue ball, holding her arms just trying to support her. As your head began to appear the people in the room got so excited. You had a full head of hair. That’s not very common for a new baby. Someone actually took a picture and showed me. I was starting to cry because you were finally here. Mommy shrieked as you finally made your grand entrance. I felt you pop out, quite literally. It was the most amazing moment of my life. Mommy and I waited for so long to have you. Finally you were here. I held you in my arms and felt so much joy. You’re my baby, my little girl, my beebs as I’ve come to call you.

The last 9 weeks have been amazing. You’re such a beautiful girl. You get compliments ever where you go. I’m sure you’ll have to get used to this since you are in fact a Kelso girl. It’s been a long time since we’ve had one of those. You’re so very loved. Don’t ever forget that. I have pictures of you on my computer at work so I can see you during the day. I can’t wait to come home and hold you. You’ve grown so much already in the past 9 weeks. I don’t want to miss a thing. I love weekends for the simple fact that I get to spend more time with you.

We’re gonna have a lot of great times together, Nola Penelope. I’m gonna take you out on dates to get ice cream and maybe see a movie. We’ll go on trips to the beach and to see your cousins. You’re truly blessed and our lives are so very blessed because you are here.
I love you,
Daddy

We’re doing the natural birth at home. On that note, I had an epiphany one day. I think many people have the wrong attitude about pregnancy and birth. Pregnancy is not a medical condition. Birth is not a medical procedure. It’s a pure and natural part of life. It can become a medical emergency, therefore requiring a medical procedure. That’s when the doctors should get involved. Doctors and hospitals love birth because they make a lot of money off it. Now that they’ve figured out that they can talk people into inducing and elective c-sections, they can even schedule the births around their rounds of golf. I will rant no further on that topic. I will only say that we worked so hard to get to where we are. After more than 2 years since we started trying to become pregnant, we desire nothing less than perfection for our daughter.

If you know me well, you know how important my faith is. I believe that God desires to have a personal relationship with every person and I’m happy that His grace is big enough that it allows me to be close to Him. Without grace, I’d be doomed. I screwed up a lot of stuff in my life. I will never deny that.

When I was young, I was given a call from God to “ministry”. What does that mean? For a time, I believed I was to be a pastor of a great church. Then I saw the great mission field and thought maybe I was supposed to be a missionary to foreign lands. As I became more involved in music and my band became rather popular (locally), I believed that I was to play music and share the message of Christ’s salvation and redemption through my music. I was a Worship Pastor at a local church for 3 years or so. Then my world kinda spiraled out of control. But it’s better that I don’t have control, that’s what I’ve learned.

For so long it was all about MY ministry and what I was doing. Today God is teaching me, it has nothing to do with me. It’s all about what God is doing. He’ll use me if I’m a willing vessel but if I stop, He doesn’t. There’s a lot of work to be done to share God’s simple love with the world. Each person has an opportunity to take part in sharing that love. The problem is that we all want to push our own agenda. We want to make sure that others recognize what we are doing.

God is calling me to become more humble. It’s not about me. It’s not about who I know or what I know or what responsibilities I’ve been given. It’s about sharing God’s simple love and His simple love is simply this: God loves every single person so incredibly much and He loves them just the way they are. There are no conditions to His love. It’s so simple. He just loves.

Right now I’m praying about ministry, not my ministry but my place in His ministry. God’s given me an amazing church at Access. He’s put me in a position to serve others. Some days I’m an usher and I help people find seats. Other days I change the slides on the screens. It’s not rocket science. I don’t need theology to perform it. It’s simple, basic “I love you” ministry. I’m grateful for it. It’s where God is using me today. If He can’t trust me to be faithful with this small task, He’ll never trust me with any thing else.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m scared of having a girl. It shouldn’t be surprising to anyone who knows me very well. I’m a sucker for a cute smile. I’m afraid this little girl will own me with her very first glance. I hope she does. I can’t wait to hold her. I’ve never once thought about what it would be like to have a daughter before now. I’m not one to sit and imagine things like that. I’ve tried my best not to imagine my child as either a boy or a girl prior to finding out what we were having. I’ve lived around guys my whole life. I have two brothers and I’ve had guy roommates. Aside from my mom and my wife, I’ve never lived with females around. I really don’t know what to expect.

We’ve kinda come up with a name, but I’m not supposed to talk about it yet. We’re still settling on a middle name. She’s gonna be cute no matter what.

I can’t wait to see what kind of big brother Thrasher is going to be. I want even more than ever to make him a permanent part of our family. He’s such a great kid. We are so very blessed to have him.

I haven’t written in my blog like I always intended. Life gets so cluttered. I’ve got my insurance job, my web development company, my podcast, my church and most importantly my family. I stay pretty busy. If only more of them could actually produce income too. Regardless, I’m very blessed by everything in my life and I wouldn’t change a thing. God has given me more than I could ever imagine. There were times where I wondered if He even remembered who I was. The truth is, God never forgets us and He never leaves us.

Thrasher has been great. He’s growing and crawling and climbing and teething. All fun (except the teething) things which keep us on our toes. He’s had two visits so far with his mother since he came to live with us in October. She hasn’t shown up for either of the visits. I pray now that God will protect him from her. It’s pretty obvious to me that there are things in her life more important than him. That shouldn’t be. While she’s his biological mother, she’s proving that she’s not worthy to be his mother. He’s got a wonderful mother right here in our home. Though we may not be able to keep him forever, we will care for him like he’s ours every single day that he lives with us. We really would love to adopt him if it comes to that but there are so many factors that can affect the situation. We will just pray for God’s protection and love for his life.

Near the end of last year, my good friend Wes asked me to help him on some web development stuff he was doing. He’s been in that business for several years on his own and he knows that I have a little experience, especially with WordPress. I jumped at the opportunity to make some extra cash and learn a little from a great developer. After completing the project Wes invited me over to his house. I wasn’t aware of what was in store for me when I got there. Wes and I sat down and he invited me to partner with him in his business. He is still only part-time at this but is looking to take it to the next level. He really felt like he needed someone else to do that with him. Though I’m not nearly as experienced as he is, he felt my ability to pick up new ideas and learn would quickly make up for that. I’d say my experience in other areas too, such as sales, customer service and tech in general will be a great asset. Together we decided to form Freedom Development Group. We’ve already worked on several projects together and have a lot more in the pipeline. I’m excited to start this new adventure. Regardless of if this can turn into a full-time job or not, this is a great opportunity for me to make money more money, pay off debt, learn new things and do something I really enjoy.

I’d have to say I’m liking this a lot more than computer repair and servicing, which is what I mainly did in the past. I’ve wanted to move away from that and into more development for a long time. I can work in my own space on my time without someone sitting behind me watching every move and asking a ton of questions. It’s good to have someone as smart and experienced as Wes to help me develop my skills. It’s also great to have someone with his moral values and business principles to work with. Those are rare commodities these days. We’ve developed a great friendship and has made it easy for us to work together. Though I’m sure there will be times we don’t agree 100% on things, we are the types of people who can work out differences and work together.

Finally, Haiti, the real inspiration for writing today. Unless you live in a cave you know that this week Haiti was hit by a massive earthquake. The death and destruction is horrendous. My feelings for Haiti run deep into my soul. It was on a mountaintop in a remote Haitian village that God healed and forever changed my life. I will always hold it as a special place regardless of how the rest of the world views it.

The common view of Haiti can be summarized by something someone said to me when they heard I was going to Haiti back in 2006. He said, “Haiti is a good place to be from… FAR FROM.” Of course, with political turmoil, economic disparity and utter poverty at every turn, Haiti is not somewhere people go to relax and get away. No one thinks of it as paradise. It’s not a tourist destination like Jamaica or the Bahamas. But it is a beautiful country, full of life and people who are full of love. Yeah, there is crime, corruption, gangs and violence. All the typical things you will find in a country stricken by poverty. But in the heart of most Haitians there is love, peace, family, community, art, and faith. Most of all, the people of Haiti are PEOPLE just like you and I.

Before this earthquake, there was massive need in Haiti. As the first nation comprised of freed slaves, throughout their history they have struggled. I’m not trying to get all political about this but there is truth in the stories that their nation has been kept in poverty by politics, corruption and the chains of debt. Now suddenly, all eyes are on Haiti. I’m saddened that it took this disaster to cause this awareness but I hope that in this disaster, people will make real commitments to help these people build a future. I’ve decided to renew my personal commitment to Haiti. Not just for relief from this disaster but a life-long commitment to support and pray for the individual lives in Haiti. The people who God loves and sent His Son to die for.

The moment I heard about the earthquake, I just wished I could just go there. As I look at pictures and read articles about the situation, I wish I could just be there to do something. I know that’s not possible but I can do something. There are many ways to support Haiti. Our government has just issued money to go to Haiti from our tax dollars. I don’t believe that’s what out tax dollars are for. We, as individuals, should be the ones giving. Giving more than our government could ever dream of giving. We should commit to give often, not just now in the middle of a crisis but continuously to support growth. Money given through charities gets used faster than money passing through governmental buracracy and a higher percentage of that money actually hits the ground and works to help change lives. Give now and give often.

If you wish to give, you can give in the following ways:
The Red Cross is always a great place to start.
My brother’s friends have a ministry in Haiti called Brent Gambrell Ministries.
My friend Marco has a clothing company, American Dance Party, which is selling t-shirts which all profits go directly to Haiti.
Beyond Borders is another organization in Haiti that I support.

I can share some details but not too much. I obviously can’t give you the story of his family but I’ll share all I can. Just in case you don’t follow my twitter or see my facebook, I’ll explain the rules. We’re not allowed to post pictures or names of our foster kids. We are going to come up with a nickname or as my buddy Daniel put it, a code name for him so we can talk about him online without just calling him “boy” or something impersonal. I’ve been saying “little man” or “little dude” but I don’t want to use that permanently because if we have other little boys in our home, I’m sure I’ll use those words to talk about them. That would just get confusing. If I know you in real life, I will gladly email you a couple pictures if you leave a comment on this post.

The baby arrived with the social worker Thursday evening. He’s an amazing kid. He’s about 5 months old and I feel we have been blessed by God to have him living with us. The moment I met him, he smiled and laughed. I knew he was special the moment I saw him.

Though nights have been rough, since we’re not used to babies, the happy times far outweigh anything negative. He’s funny and happy. I hear sounds in my house that I’ve never heard before. The little sighs and giggles are foreign to me but I love to hear them now. Sometimes, when you hold him, he reaches his arms as wide as he can and you feel like he’s actually trying to give you a hug. He’ll grab my beard and push his face against mine. He’s my boy. I love him and though I know I may not have him forever, I pray that his life will be a better and happier life as a result of his time in our home.

We are blessed.

While she was here she mentioned a few times that we should be getting a call at any moment. How exciting and suspenseful! She helped us know the right questions to ask when they do call. We also learned that though we’ve asked for children 0-2, they will call us and ask us if we’ll take older children and if we’ll take more than one child. We just need to be prepared to say “no”.

We won’t have a child for at least a week and a half because tomorrow morning we are leaving on vacation. Jessica’s parents have been gracious enough to invite us to stay with them in Blue Ridge, GA at a cabin they rented for the next week. With all the expenses we’ve undertaken, there’s no way we could have afforded a vacation this year. Luckily we’ll have this last getaway before we begin our adventure in foster care. I’m really excited. The next few weeks should be interesting.

I hope to write more here and use this space to chronicle my thoughts and experiences in foster care. There are a few rules. Unfortunately I can’t post pictures of any children we care for and I can’t write their real names. So I’ll be making up names for the kids we care for just so I can still talk about it all. We are starting with only one child age 2 or under. We’ve learned what to expect. We don’t expect to get a perfect kid. We know that the child may be hurt, even at such a young age. We’ve been learning tools to use in helping the child to behave and be happy. We’ve been learning about working with the natural parents, the case manager, and guardians. There’s a lot of things that we have to do, but every single bit of it is worth it if it means one single child will be blessed by it.

People often say things about fostering that really frustrates me. I will try not to rant to much about this but I hope it will help you to think a little about your attitude towards fostering. The number one response that drives me crazy is when someone says, “oh I couldn’t do that, it would just break my heart when I had to give the child back.” You are saying you wouldn’t want to help a helpless child because you are afraid it will “hurt”? Are you serious? If you would care that much for the child, you are exactly the type of person these foster kids need!

I hope I can share some great stories with you as we move forward. Realistically, we could have a child in less than 2 weeks. Everything will change in my life, I know that. Hopefully as a result, everything will change in the life of a child too.

God doesn’t use me because of my loving heart.

He uses me in spite of my hateful heart.

God doesn’t use me because of my kindness.

He uses me in spite of my unkindness.

God doesn’t use me because of my righteousness.

He uses me in spite of my sinfulness.

God doesn’t use me because of my willingness to be used.

He uses me in spite of my rebellion.

There’s no use for me, but somehow God still uses me.

I’m thankful that my humanity doesn’t get in the way too much for God to use me.

Two weeks ago, my cousin Shaun called me out of the blue. We’ve always been friends but don’t talk much these days. I was excited to hear from him but that excitement quickly transformed into sorrow and pain. His brother Joel had died that afternoon. If you know me, you know that Joel has been a huge part of my life. We have been more than cousins, we’ve been band mates, room mate and most of all we have been very close friends.

I have always loved Joel. He and I always said we would play music together forever. We have written and recorded songs. We’ve poured hours of time and thoughts and beats and notes into songs that displayed our common love, music. Joel had a big heart and great talent. I will miss him every time I pick up my guitar. I will miss him every time I hear a good band and I want him to hear it too. I will miss him. I know that he’s with God now. I know that he had a love for God and that by God’s amazing grace, they are together today.

The day after Joel’s funeral, I got sick. It knocked me out for almost a week. I’m mostly better now. I spent a week without energy or even the desire to get up and do anything.

On top of these things, my tenant, owing me $1100, moved out and is nowhere to be found. They did take all their stuff but the place was a mess, dirty and gross. I had to hire someone to clean it because I just couldn’t do it. The brand new (2 month old carpet) was covered in stains. Most of them came out when cleaned but a couple did not. I was truely blessed with help from 6 wonderful friends and my beautiful wife to paint and finish preparing the duplex so I could try to get it rented back out. This was all finished on Sunday. Monday evening I met with a very nice couple who paid and signed and took the place. God is faithful. I couldn’t go another week without a tenant, I was losing money every day.

So now I’m ready to get back to life, changed by the loss of my cousin. I can’t say I haven’t been affected but if you know me, you know I have gone through a lot of crazy stuff in the last 5 years, good and bad.  Our lives are affected and changed by the experiences we encounter. This being so, I’ve gone through many changes just so far this year. Looking back, if you’d mentioned the things I’d experience from January through April to me at the start of this year I would have said no way. But I embrace my experiences in order to become a better man. I’m turning a corner. I don’t know what’s around the bend but whatever it is, God has spent years preparing me. I’m ready… ready for what? It. Whatever “it” is.